2/04/2010: This time it’s a man from Kiana that killed himself.

Want me to stop? Keep going? Okay. There will be more, as long as we keep letting nearly everyone have gun ownership in this nutty country of ours.

2/04/2010: Wasilla woman protects herself from intruder..oh wait, no, it’s a suicide

That’s really weird, cuz I was thinking that guns are really super duper useful for taking out bad guys just as they’re about to start raping. You know, cuz that happens. But no, this is just another very typical case of someone buying a gun, probably under the delusion of self protection, and killing themselves.

2/8/2010: That’s odd, a search warrant on Wasilla/Palmer druggie turns up stolen handgun

See, it’s odd because gun owners are all so fervently careful in making sure they keep their guns locked up in safes. I’m glad they do that because it makes homes safer for everyone, even though it makes it much more difficult to use a gun in self defense should there be an intruder. Oh, what’s that? Gun owners are not all that careful about keeping their guns locked up so they can use them in self defense? What? They get stolen, so gun owners are effectively just arming the bad guys? THAT’S SOOOO GREAT!!! I’M GONNA GO GIT A GUN NOW SO I CAN HELP ARM THE BAD GUYS OR NOT BE ABLE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY!!! I THINK I’LL VOTE FOR SARAH PALIN TOO WHILE I’M AT IT! THE WRITING ON MY HAND TELLS ME TO DO JUST THAT.

2/01/2010: Prevalence of gun violence and crime makes it easy to scare teachers

Fantastic. St. Michael student threatens to go get a gun and start shooting teachers. Yeah, he’s been locked up. But I’m glad he has the freedom to self defense against those awful, mean old teachers that are trying to undoubtedly kill him.

1/22/2010: Drunk and beligerant South Naknek man shoots attacker in the face

Fantastic news! It’s too bad that this isn’t the normal use guns purchased for self-defense, but there you go. Glad everyone appears to be among the living–it could have been a lot worse.

2/02/2010: Mountain Village man kills himself using a gun

Will this shame gun owners into the reality of their gun lust, or will their salivation over tasty, non store-bought meat and the feel of things that are long and hard outweigh the constant parade of death and crime that is made easier by owning firearms, even though they do not belong to the well-regulated militia?

1/27/2010: Talkeetna woman uses gun to shoot self, then burns down home?

Totally bizarre, and there isn’t much to go on here. But it’s worth noting that this person, like almost everyone else I post about here, decided to own a gun for some reason and it ended up getting used for negative reasons, not crime prevention. Obviously.

1/25/2010: Houston man protects home via 2nd Amendment by shooting at wife

Oh wait, no, that’s not what happened at all. Actually, he tried to kill her with it. He wasn’t protecting anything, he was just using his rifle to try and murder his wife. It’s soooo great that soooo many Alaskans work soooo hard to make sure that we can try and kill our wives by giving to the NRA and other knuckledragging political campaigns when they could be working to make families better for Alaskans.

1/15/2010: Kodiak man’s gun ownership results in wasted police time and fear

Fear, because people fear guns owned by people other than themselves (with good reason). A waste of cops time, because the only reason they’re bothered is because of the fear. Also a total unnecessary waste of taxpayer dollars to try and find the thing, which is now in the hands of a criminal, somewhere. So beware.

1/14/2010: Fairbanks criminal uses gun to hold up Tesoro station

It’s soooo great that armed robbery is made possible by those who own guns, while those who do not do not contribute at all to armed robbery. That’s how it works, gun owners. You’re awesome.